(Image: PA Wire/Adam Davy)

The Chaser: “ congratulates government on stunning victory in Djokovic case”

Former attorney-general and soon-to-be unemployed dodgy guy Christian Porter has today praised the federal government for its legal victory over Novak Djokovic, comparing it with his own inspiring win against the ABC last year.

“Some people are trying to say the government didn’t actually win the case just because the court ruled in Djokovic’s favour, but those who understand the law would realise the reality is more complex,” said Porter, who has since stepped down from his position to pursue his true calling as a foremost expert in legal and political strategy.

“Yes, the government wanted him to be deported, but the court instead ruled that he can stay in the country and play in the Australian Open, and, yes, the government has been left looking like a bunch of incompetent buffoons once again, and, yes, it’s resulted in yet another totally avoidable own goal just months before an , but it’s precisely for that reason that the government are actually the winners here.

“It’s just like when I successfully pursued that action against the ABC last year. Everyone tried to say I actually lost just because I wasn’t awarded any damages and the ABC weren’t made to issue a retraction and I then resigned in disgrace from both cabinet and Parliament.”

The Shovel: “Government waiting for rapid anti-Djokovic polling before fucking up next move”

Prime Minister and Immigration Minister were this morning frantically trying to track down rapid polling before deciding how to massively balls-up their next move on tennis star Novak Djokovic.

Ringing around polling companies in a desperate attempt to find one whose staffing levels hadn’t been totally depleted, Hawke said having the results of rapid polling was the only way the government could stumble into the next crisis with certainty.

“We can’t make a decision on anything — literally anything — without knowing how it might affect us in the polls,” Hawke said. “Scott doesn’t make a decision on what stupid cap he’ll wear without seeing polling data, so you can see why this rapid anti-Djokovic testing is so important.”  

He said the advantage of rapid polling is that the results are quick and easy to decipher: “If there’s one solid line we’ll deport him, attract international media attention and look like absolute arse clowns. If there are two solid lines then we’ll let him stay, admit we’re soft on borders and look like absolute arse clowns.”

The Betoota Advocate: “Sky News oddly quiet about latest attempt to mix sport with politics”

As the Novak Djokovic debacle continues to unfold in Melbourne, it’s been revealed that Sky News and its Murdoch counterparts have been particularly silent on a particular issue in the saga.

Nearly a week after Djokovic was detained in Melbourne, the network that serves as a news bible for conservative parents has somehow forgotten to attack Scott Morrison for mixing politics with sport.

“It’s all about discretion,” explained some red-wine nose Murdoch lifer who has worked his way up the system by pushing hard right agendas in an effort to please the boss he’s never actually had an interaction with.